Being an independent woman…in a marriage

Learning to let partnership and independence coexist 

I’ve always taken pride in being an independent, Black, short stack of a woman. I wear “It’s handled” like an Olivia Pope badge of honor, you know? I get stuff done, make decisions, carry my own weight, and I like standing on my own two feet without needing to rely on anyone else but me, myself, and I. And that independence shaped me long before marriage ever entered the picture.

But here’s the truth I’ve had to learn — independence doesn’t disappear when you get married, but it does have to evolve.

In Episode 10 of Brutiful Marriage, we dove into what it really looks like to be an independent woman in a marriage. And honestly, it made me reflect on how much I’ve had to unlearn, relearn, and soften along the way.

I thought independence meant doing everything myself

For a long time, I equated independence with self‑sufficiency. If I could do it alone, I should. If I didn’t need help, I wouldn’t ask. If something was heavy — emotionally or literally — I’d just pick it up and carry it.

But when you have someone else staring you in the eyes every day, they often see what you can’t.

I started to realize that my “I got it” attitude wasn’t always strength. Sometimes it was me protecting myself — from disappointment, vulnerability, feelings of insufficiency. Sometimes it was pride. Sometimes it was me trying to hold onto some semblance of control with white knuckled fists. And in my insistence to be autonomous, I was shutting my husband out without even realizing it.

Independence isn’t the enemy — isolation is

What I’ve learned is that independence isn’t the problem. It’s when independence turns into isolation that things get messy. There’s a difference between being capable and refusing connection.

Guess what? You can still be strong, resourceful, and confident — and NOT do everything alone. You don’t have to carry every burden quietly. I don’t have to pretend I’m fine when I’m overwhelmed.

First of all, that’s dumb. Strong words, yes…but also true. Riding a unicycle while juggling fine china — your children, your family, your job, your…fill-in-the-blank — doesn’t make you superwoman. It makes you STRESSED OUT, broke down and scattered. And ain’t nothing glorious about high cortisol levels, high blood pressure, high anxiety…you get my drift.

Y’all. It’s not an earth-shattering revelation, but it kinda feels like one.

So, what’s the bottom line? Letting my husband in doesn’t make me less independent. It makes us partners in this thing called life. And partnership means sharing…everything, even when you’re running point.